what a month!

This past month has been, well, an interesting one full of dramatic events leaving me excited, sad, worried, confused, yet hopeful.
Let me walk you through the month.
At the beginning of the month Bekah and I felt that we needed to make our final decision with regards to a job next year...yes, I will finally be getting my very own independent job. After interviews, second looks, phone calls, meals, and lots of prayers we decided to take the job at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services back in Grand Rapids Michigan.
We are very excited about the job as they offer me exactly what kind of career I was looking for and the organization itself is very solid, but I just never thought I would end up back in Western Michigan. It is not that I have anything against the Grad Rapids area, but 12 years ago I left with a head full of ideas, not one being that I would return.
In those 12 years I lived at least one month in Manhattan Kansas, East Lansing Michigan, Detroit Michigan, Nashville Tennessee, Herbertpur India, Livonia Michigan, Dearborn Michgian, and finally Chicago Illinois. All of these places have been so very different yet amazing as I have so many great memories, experiences, and friends to share them with over the past 12 years.
But Grand Rapids? Really? I'm ending up back there? Still Bekah and I have peace about this decision and once again, the job is everything I wanted...praise the Lord.

Shortly after the emotions of this decision I was hit with the following:
1) A very good friend was arrested for having his computer loaded with child pornography
2) Another very close friend's mother died from a long fight with cancer
3) Still another friend's wife lost their baby in the third trimester when her uterus ruptured

Boom, boom, boom. One right after another.
Just leaves you sitting there wondering what just happened...and what is going to happen next as the days get colder and shorter all the time I keep getting emails for different forms that I need to start working on.
All of the sudden my news of a job seem, well, so little when a friend buries his son who never took a breath, a wife finds herself with 2 young children with a husband in jail, and a family finds themselves looking at Thanksgiving without being able to enjoy their mom's amazing cooking skills.
Life, it does come at you fast.
The real question is do I have the eternal perspective to keep praising the Lord like I was after obtaining my job in these situations? Can I still trust Him that in all of these situations, no matter how dire they seem to be, He is still good and in control?
I think that is my early New Year's resolution: to have an eternal perspective.

vaca

Today I start my first day of a week-long vacation. Bekah and I chose to head up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to a bed and breakfast whose slogan is "Conveniently Located in the Middle of Nowhere."
Its kind of funny. Often people who live in rural areas head to urban areas for vacations and we are leaving the concrete jungle of Chicago for dirt roads, starry skies, and quietness. My frustration with the car alarms, loud buses, smokers in the front of my apartment, and stuffed trains is making me desire the country. But when my family would come to Chicago when I was younger I remember how boring Lowell Michigan seemed compared to a city that does not sleep. I am always wanting the opposite of where I spend the majority of my time.
I wonder if sometimes I live life always looking at the other side off the fence wondering how I can get greener grass and when I get there I am looking back on the other side realizing that the grass was pretty green and seeing a different field with even greener grass as in high school I couldn't wait for college, in college med school was the next big thing, then residency, now I desire to work on my own.
While I have enjoyed every step along the way, I often get itchy towards the end of that phase for the next one and can't wait to move on as I would start countdowns of the days, hours, and minutes I had left until I was done. But after a few months in my next phase I found myself looking back at "the good ol' days" of having my mom do my laundry in high school, the simple life of college with 25 cent Ramon Noodles, playing ping pong at med school when I should have been studying...
While I could quote all sorts of neat statements about living in the presence because it is all you can influence, it still remains a struggle for me to simply learn from the past, but not dwell on it reanalyzing previous decisions over and over. On the other hand I worry about the future and consider all the different potential roads my life can take and analyze those paths over and over and over.
I guess I am jealous of my sister and future bro-in-law. While they are planning for their wedding they are mostly interested in being with each other in the present. Just enjoying each other wherever they are...and Holly's previous dates are not mentioned.
What is the secret to live in the presence with satisfaction, joy, and confidence?
To me it simply boils down to faith.
Faith that by not living with a focus on results rather being confident that God hasn't given me the responsibility of the world and rather asks me to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him and leave the rest (including results) up to Him.
Seems so easy when I type it out...

question

The other day I was at an interview and I was asked "why should I hire you?"
That is a good question as if I were in his shoes I would probably ask the same question, but what about the answer? If someone asked you the same question how would you answer?
One on hand I sat there with my resume of all of the things I have accomplished. Two pages that sums up what I have been doing the last 12 years. When just looking at the paper I could make a considerably solid argument on why I should be hired, but even typing that makes me feel shady. Not shady that I cheated my way to accomplish the various things, rather that there is more to the story than 2 thin pages of paper. Every item on that should have an asterisk (*) that points out that without God none of this would have been possible.
Looking back I have so many times in which things just came together beautifully such as my published research articles. Yes I did the work, but a new professor happen to come into K-State to set up his lab with a research project set up with another student who happened to no longer be interested at the same time that I inquired about a job thus I started research on a project already started is amazing. Another example is my experience of moonlighting at Cook County jail and hospital which just fell into place as I was rotating with a doctor who was looking for help at the same time I was working.
Apart from academics, just great life experiences that have worked out such as the apartment we live in? A great deal that occurred when we overheard people talking at a farewell party. The opportunity to live in a 1913 downtown house in Detroit in med school? Out of a class of 250 at Wayne State I met Todd who continues to be a good friend and had an open room.
I could go on and on and on, but needless to say when people ask my why they should hire me my only answer is because God has been good to me.

Now some people may say that I just was in the right place at the right time, my starts were aligned correctly, or even that God helps those who help themselves. But I would rather believe that an all powerful and all knowing loving God with a perfect plan has graciously allowed me to get to this point so that I can glorify Him rather than believing that random events randomly happened for me, the latter just seems so empty, the former so full.

roads

12 years ago I had to make a decision...where to go to college. To me it was a huge decision, but now looking back I just knew that I was to go to Kansas State University. Don't ask me how, but I just knew it. Fast forward another 4 years and you find me in 2002 and I am going to different medical schools praying that some medical school would let me into their school. After all of the interviews I preferred Wayne State and remember making a phone call one morning to Wayne to find out that I had been accepted which resulted in me falling on my knees with gratitude (followed by a celebratory dance that I hope no one saw...then again, who cares). Go ahead 4 more years to 2006 and I find myself once again wearing my black suit going to different hospitals interviewing for residency programs and finding that my decision not only effecting me, but my wife as well. We both loved Detroit and saw ourselves staying in the area for a very long time, but were confused when we both specifically felt that the Lord was directing us to Chicago when we made our ranking list of residency programs.
Now it is 2010. We love Chicago, but I find myself back on the road with my suit interviewing at different hospitals in Chicago, Grand Rapids, Peoria, and Bloomington-Normal realizing that my decision is now effecting my wife and child and that in 4 years I will most likely not be on the interview trail.
Sigh.
Decisions.
I am thankful that I have several opportunities for employment, especially considering the current economy, but every place I interview looks like a great opportunity that I could see myself fitting in well with the hospital staff. But specific directions?
Nope. Not at this point.
These times of looking at crossroads are tough. One day I feel like I am going there, followed by the next day convinced that I am staying here, followed by another day of feeling like I will be over there, with the week ending with me wanting to move to Alaska (why not?).
Looking back I always approach these situations with significant prayer and searching out the Word for direction and I always feel confident in the final decision in that once it is made there is not a lot of looking back as I find myself loving the area and the people that I work with...but it is the time of waiting that is such a pain. The insecurity of it all. The unanswered questions that rotate through my head as I find myself going on a lot of jogs just thinking about next year and the pluses and minuses of each interview.
But it is at these times that in hindsight are actually good times as I realize how focused I become. I start seeing things through a new lens as I realize that regardless of where I end up current relationships are never going to be the same and opportunities I currently have will dry up provoking me examine my priorities. By seeking out direction for my future employment decision I find myself also seeking out directions for several other areas in my life that I previously kept brushing under the rug.
So while I would love a neon sign dropping from the sky telling me what to do, I would also miss this wonderful time period with my loving Father.

thoughts after disappointments

This Sunday was to be the big day. I had been training for the Chicago Triatholon for months. I had everything lined up Saturday night ready to go with large numbers written on my arms of what contestant number I was. I awoke at 4:30am and set out Sunday morning to park my bike and then make my way to the lake where I was expecting to jump in and start my swimming adventures.

But at about 5am on my way to the event my left pedal on my bike started to feel funny...and then it happened, it just fell off. I frantically tried to see what I could do as other people were biking past me with comments like "dude that sucks," "did you see that?" etc.

Mustering up what pride I had I walked my bike the rest of the way to wait in line for bike repairs. After what seemed to be an eternity the bike fixer-upper guy took a look at the pedal and told me "sorry man, there is nothing I can do for you. This pedal is completely stripped and there is no way I can put it back on your bike." I then went to one of the organizers and we tried to brainstorm what we could do, but at 5:45 am on a August Sunday morning there are not a lot of options.

So I turned in my time chip and walked my bike back home (because the trains were not running yet) trying to avoid any contact with any triathloners where I was met by my very surprised wife who like me felt helpless and disappointed.

Seriously, whose bike pedal falls off on the way to an event? What are the chances that the blasted pedal gave out at that exact moment?

As you might guess I was less than happy at this whole situation, but as I read Monday morning in Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly" I had to wonder how this verse worked given the hours that I spent training and the money I spent to enter the race...not to mention that I still have permanent marker on my body.

Then I was reminded of all the times I was out jogging while pushing Titus and just being able to spend time with my son, the joy I found swimming, a friendship I developed with a neighbor who would join me on jogs, all of the new places I saw on my bike in Chicago, the few times I was able to give directions to lost people who were on the trail, all of the time in prayer and the various sermons that I listened to while running, and the fact that I feel good because I am more in shape.

All of this because I signed up for the triathlon which motivated me to exercise.

Which leads me to this morning where Titus and I were coming back from a jog we were stuck at a red light in which a homeless man began to talk to Titus in which Titus started to laugh and smile. This random homeless guy and I talked briefly before the light changed and as I started to cross the street he made a comment about how blessed I am.

And you know, triathlon or not, he is so right.

But still, I am going to do a triathlon some day...

been a while

It has been over a month since my last post...amazing how time flies.

Life has been busy, but good. Here is a quick update:

1) My final year of residency is bittersweet as having more seniority means that I have a more administrative role instead of being in the trenches doing more of the labor, but on the flip side having more responsibility has its own challenges.

2) This past month Bekah and I went to Kansas two weekends in a row for weddings. The first weekend we flew and besides both flights being delayed at least 1.5 hour, Titus did really well. The second weekend we drove and I am thankful that I no longer drive to Kansas on a semi-regular basis. Still, going back to Kansas State was full of memories and surprises as the campus has changed quite a bit.

3) We also went on a weekend vacation with Bekah's family to Amish Acres. I am impressed at the Amish as they really seem to be pretty happy with their "simple" lives and they are all in great shape from biking all over the place. While I am not going to convert to Amish (although eating their food was a big pull) there is a lot to learn about their lives.

4) Speaking of food, the other day Bekah and I had a Chicago dog with a milkshake. That is the simple things in life that are so great.

5) I continue to train for the Chicago triathlon and I am amazed at how hard it is to swim. I thought that I was in shape until I tried to swim 1/2-mile using totally different muscles than running or biking.

6) Titus continues to grow at an amazing rate, is eating cereal, loves to be outside, is rolling all over the place, and has impressive bowel movements that will take the hair off of animals. I am simply amazed of God's creative abilities to think of the difference of Titus from birth to now.

7) The weather in Chicago is hot followed by muggy. I now long for winter...similar to when I was longing for summer during winter.

Here is a pic of Titus and I will try to keep up the blog more.

random musings

-I find myself sitting in an office ready for another day as my third year of residency is coming to a close in a week. Really? Yup.

-I find myself in a more administrative role as I move to my last year of residency. This is a great opportunity to be a servant as Jesus said in Matthew "And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant," but still I find difficulty that decisions that I make will make some happy and some frustrated. I simply would rather just make everyone happy and not have anyone upset at me...not going to happen.

-Last week Bekah and I joined the Plattner family on a lake in Michigan. One week without Internet and no work related activities. That is nice as I realized that the world will continue without me checking my email or facebook. I love vacation. The question is, do I go with the vacation where you go to a new spot and check everything out staying busy or just go to a familiar spot and veg out doing a lot of nothing? I am still debating. (Titus with his cousins).

-As I train for the Chicago triathlon I am discovering how difficult it really is to swim as swimming a 1/2 mile was one of the toughest things I have done. Another thing I have discovered is that there is a lot of trash in Lake Michigan. The other day I was convicted as I swam past an empty beer bottle and condemned the jerk who threw it in there in the first place. Yet God reminded me that I could pick it up instead of rolling my eyes and swimming right by assuming the clean up is "someone else's" responsibility and not mine. On a fundamental level by continuing to ignore the trash aren't I just like the dude that threw it in on the first basis?

-After the death of former UCLA coach John Wooden I started to read about him and realized that I have a new hero. That man was an amazing man. Here are a few things I learned about him (via Wikipedia):

1) Wooden remained devoted to his wife Nellie, even decades after her death. Since her death, he kept to a monthly ritual (health permitting)—on the 21st, he visited her grave, and then wrote a love letter to her. After completing the letter, he placed it in an envelope and added it to a stack of similar letters that accumulated over the years on the pillow she slept on during their life together.

2) Wooden has some great quotes:

Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
Flexibility is the key to stability.
Be quick, but don't hurry

I have always tried to make it clear that basketball is not the ultimate. It is of small importance in comparison to the total life we live. There is only one kind of life that truly wins, and that is the one that places faith in the hands of the Savior.

If I were ever prosecuted for my religion, I truly hope there would be enough evidence to convict me.

3) He held to a Seven Point Creed, given to him by his father Joshua upon his graduation from grammer school:
Be true to yourself.
Make each day your masterpiece.
Help others.
Drink deeply from good books, especially the Bible.
Make friendship a fine art.
Build a shelter against a rainy day.
Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day.

Oh yea, and he won a lot of basketball games.

-As a Detroit Tigers fan I was obviously following Detroit Tigers' pitcher Armando Galarraga would have had have gone down as the 21st major league pitcher to throw a perfect game: no hits, no walks, no base runners, period. But on the last play, the very last play first base umpire Jim Joyce called the batter safe who was clearly out as Joyce later said "I was convinced he beat the throw, until I saw the replay." Galarraga took the miscall in stride as he gave Joyce the play card the next game and did not make a big deal out if it.

This reminds me of a quote by a former umpire Ralph "Babe" Pinelli when he was a rookie umpire who called a strike on the famous Babe Ruth. It is reported that Ruth challenged a call stating "There's 40,000 people in this park that know that was a ball, tomato-head." Pinelli shrugged as he responded "mine is the only opinion that counts."

As a believer in Christ I take confidence that no matter what others may say to or about me (rather true or untrue as I agree with Billy Graham when he advises others to turn your critics into coaches) at the end of the day I have a loving Father who loves me. That is the only opinion that really counts.